Hey Future President, I've got some advice for you
Election season satire/not satire
Dear Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, my fellow Americans, and citizens of planet Earth,
As I lay in bed last night with my boyfriend and my schnauzer, watching your performances in the 2024 presidential debate amidst mouthfuls of gluten-free pop-corn chips and raspberry leaf tea, I thought to myself, hey, why are only the candidates coming up with projects, plans, and concepts of plans? Ain’t this a democracy? Ain’t I a citizen? Shouldn’t I have a say?
So, I decided to write you this letter, letting you know about MY ideas for running America. Just a few tips that you might want to incorporate into your campaign and presidency. I’m confident that whichever one of you incorporates these vague suggestions will be elected and will change life on Earth forever for the better.
These are all bipartisan, “easy” suggestions. Please don’t go making them complicated or divisive. Please write back and let me know your thoughts and any other ideas you have for making America fabulous forever, because “great” again really isn’t enough for me. We need amazing, incredible, fantastic in perpetuity.
Here we go.
The War on Bugs
Under my presidency (this is you speaking as a candidate) I will divert all remaining funds from the failed War on Drugs to the War on Bugs, and we will permanently eradicate mosquitos and ticks. We will destroy every last one of these vicious demons sent from the devil to bite our children, make us itch, occasionally kill us, and/or ruin our lives. They will go totally extinct. Not even Jurrasic Park will be able to bring them back.
We will win this war on bugs and we will win it fast.
Project 35
Forget Project 2025, I’m focused on Project 35—the project that will ease the suffering of all aging Americans whose lives are starting to go downhill. You see, by the time you reach 35, things in your body begin to break, and from this point on, every year you need to see the doctor more and more often and you also need to take more and more drugs.
So, I vow to make all drugs available over the counter for anyone 35 and over. Cause, come on, you’ve been around the block quite a bit by the time you’re 35. You know when you need an Ambien or when you need something stronger than a Tylenol. You’ve seen all the TV commercials explaining what to take for your herpes.
After my Project 35, you will no longer need to waste your precious valuable time sitting in a doctor’s waiting room just so you can tell them what drug you need from the pharmacy.
Now, after age 35, you can simply go buy the drug you need. Any drug. Any lab test. Any type of Ozempic. All the Ritalin you want.
The pharmacy is your oyster once you reach middle age. Get ready to learn about your blood pressure.
This is also your condolence prize for being over 35. And of course, if you want to see a doctor, you always can. Doctors will still be there writing prescriptions and seeing patients for those not ready to use ChatGPT to answer medical queries.
And did I mention, Project 35 is also a huge win for the economy! This will inject even more cash into Big Pharma so they can invent and innovate even more fantastic drugs for us! (No, really. Let ‘em cook!) The whole world will benefit from our incredible American drug innovation under Project 35.
It’s Your Birthday Tax Lottery!
And speaking of aging, my third and final initiative to make America fabulous forever is the Happy Birthday Tax Lottery! Under this revolutionary and exciting plan, every April 16th the IRS will hold a televised ceremony and invite a celebrity like Taylor Swift to draw a date from out of a hat, a day and a month, to be exact, like January 10th, and if you were born on that date (like me, Jan 10th), then you don’t have to pay taxes that year! No taxes at all! No state, no federal, no property, no nothing! In essence, the entire year will be like your birthday! Tax-free baby! It’s that simple.
Everyone will tune into this incredible event as if it were the Hunger Games, and under this lottery, your chances of skipping taxes each year are 1 in 365, much better than the odds now, which are zero.
The Happy Birthday Tax Lottery will give taxpayers something to look forward to at tax time instead of something to dread! It will bring up everyone’s tax morale!
Now You
So, in conclusion, my dear Mrs. Harris, Mr. Trump, my fellow Americans, and global citizens of Earth, did you like my proposals? Will you adopt them? How might you improve them?
Do you have any bi-partisan proposals you’d like to share?
Please share your bi-partisan ideas for making America fabulous forever with me in the comments.
Sincerely,
Charlotte Dune, member of the democracy of the United States of America
Love #2 & 3, but I'm conflicted about #1. What will the birds & bats eat? Maybe just eliminate the ticks? (I'm ignorant of what lies just above them in the food chain).
Obsessed with this.