Books for "Bad" Dads (Not a Gift Guide)
A surprisingly short list. Why? And are there more?
Happy Father’s Day to anyone celebrating! Amazing fathers are rare and should be treasured, but this post definitely isn’t about them…
On Mother’s Day, I shared with you my list of “bad” mom memoirs, so I think it’s only fair that I do the “bad” dads too. I thought, why look on the bright side of fatherhood, when everyone’s doing that today? Let’s explore the darkness, the guilt, the addiction, and the sorrow instead! For some folks who have negative relationships with their fathers, bad dad works might be cathartic.
However, I found the task of rounding up fatherhood works quite a bit more difficult than the “bad” mom list, despite my belief that there are more “bad dads” than “bad moms.” While I think maybe 10% of moms are what we would collectively call “bad” moms, with dads I think it’s more like 35%, maybe even higher. What do you think? Am I wrong?
So, I pondered my inability to come up with “bad dad” books. At first, I thought it was due to men not writing books about their struggles with fatherhood, their parental shame, or publishers not publishing them, but I think it’s actually more about my reading preferences. There are books on these topics, but It would appear that I simply don’t read them, maybe because I love my dad and don’t have “daddy issues”. Or maybe it’s because I’m a mom and prefer to focus on the experience of motherhood. Still, I managed to highlight a few HORRIFYING choices for you today and included an extra-terrible film, as my book picks were so skint.
I would love to read a stellar book in this genre, though. Is there a critically acclaimed fatherhood memoir or “Drunk Dad” book out there that I’ve never heard of? I would especially love to read a memoir about being a deadbeat dad, written by a deadbeat dad.
If you’ve read any great books about “bad dads” or “daddy issues,” please share them.
At the end of this list, I’ll also share some dad books I found in my research for this list, but haven’t read yet myself.
And what do I mean by books about “bad” dads? Well, “bad” parents are sort of nebulous and hard to define in some cases, many are just negligent, but not in these books. These books are about the REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad dads. You’ll see what I mean if you keep reading. Let’s start with the worst.
Trigger warning: incest, sexual abuse, child abuse. (Though I do my best to not make what I’ve written upsetting.)
The Kiss
In The Kiss, a haunting, beautiful memoir that will 100% break your heart, Kathryn Harrison writes poetically about her abusive father. At the beginning of the short book, Harrison’s 20-year-old life disintegrates after her long-lost father French kisses her in an airport terminal. She likens the kiss to a scorpion bite, “A narcotic that spreads from my mount to my brain.” She writes, “The kiss is the point at which I begin slowly to become paralyzed. It’s the drug my father administers in order that he might confuse me. That I might desire to be consumed.”
An essay circulated recently that incest survivors need their own #MeToo moment, well, Harrison was way before her time.
This book is rough but extremely well-written. I probably would have never picked it up had it not been for Persian memoirist and torture activist Marina Nemat. I took her writing class at the University of Toronto years ago and this was required reading for the course. She’d selected it because all too often beginner writers try to include too much in their memoirs, and conversely, The Kiss is a masterclass on why less is more.
You can read it in one sitting, and it’s blurbed by Mary Karr, which is really all you need to know.
Lolita
You know the story, but have you read the book? We don’t immediately think of this as a dad book, but it is. In this Russian masterpiece, the stepfather marries a woman to get to her daughter. So disturbing, but far more common than you would think. Kids with stepdads are 10 times more likely to be sexually assaulted than kids without stepdads, and non-sexual child abuse is 40 times more likely with stepdads than those who live with biological parents. Sad, but true. My heart goes out to everyone who has had to suffer these harms perpetrated by adult men.
Lolita is a story that should have never been told, about a reality that shouldn’t exist, but the ending is satisfying, and the prose haunts:
“I shall be dumped where the weed decays, and the rest is rust and stardust”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
Plus, I’m not one to reject books based on their locations or the birthplaces of their authors. No one selects where to be born, and as controversial as Russia currently is, and as bad as war is, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also love the 1997 movie version of Lolita. The piano scene is a cinematic masterpiece and Jeremy Irons, Melanie Griffith, and Dominique Swain all crush their roles.
The Shining
I dare you to reread this Stephen King horror classic through the lens of “bad dad.” Haha. That is all.
Honorable Mention Movie
It’s rare that I turn a film off because I find it so disturbing, but I couldn’t watch the very end of this. I got so upset. Mother! is every mother’s worst nightmare for their child’s father. I’d say it’s scarier than The Shining. I literally had to cover my eyes, but it REALLY stuck with me.
If you like horror movies, which I do, and you want to delve into the darkest side of fatherhood, this one is for you.
God, I can’t even believe I’m recommending it. Anyway, you were warned. It is REALLY demented in a way probably only achieved by Darren Aronofsky, the director of Mother! Yes, it needs the exclamation point in the title! All his films are great. This one is the MOST disturbing.
The Rest
And that’s it, my friends… I can’t think of any more “bad dad” books or movies that I’ve consumed or enjoyed.
I also thought about adding Beautiful Boy to this list because it explores fatherhood, but it’s about a “good” dad who tries to understand his son’s addiction by trying meth himself.
“Fortunately I have a son, my beautiful boy
Unfortunately he is a drug addict.
Fortunately he is in recovery.
Unfortunately he relapses.
Fortunately he is in recovery again.
Unfortunately he relapses.
Fortunately he is not dead.”
― David Sheff, Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction
The memoir is fascinating and worth a read if you’ve been an addict, are an addict, or have an addict in your family.
The film version of Beautiful Boy is solid too, but I liked the book better.
To Be Read
As to books I want to read, here are the ones about dads that I discovered, but haven’t read yet. Have you read either of these?
And that’s it. I really found SO few books on this topic that looked good to me, but there must be more…
Hope you have a happy Father’s Day and I hope all your dads are better than the ones in these books and movies!
You said you wanted a book about deadbeat dads, written by a deadbeat dad: I’m sure if a guy was disciplined enough to write a book, he’d be responsible enough to tend to his kids too! Unless of course this was later in life and he had matured and had regrets...
I applaud your originality in this post! Though I must say I'm glad I haven't read most of these (except for Lolita, which I did actually enjoy).