The Transient Call and Response of Life Goals

Dreams—they come and go. Part 3 of My So Called Middle Life Series

What Do You Want Right Now?

Photo by Isaac Demeester on Unsplash of Arctic Bay in Nunavut

Read Part 1 and Part 2.

I invite you to listen to the recording below and to imagine the call and response of your younger-self to your current-self, to your elder-self:

This morning I made a list of what I really want.

What do I really want? This is a question I ponder often because I’ve already done a lot and achieved a lot in my life. So what is left? What is next? What am I looking forward to? What will really make me happy, vs illusionary or material things that will soon feel empty?

An Insta-doctor/Doctor to the Stars—Dr. Amen prescribes this “list activity,” which he calls the “One Page Miracle,” to help people with ADHD be less impulsive, and to figure out what they actually want from life.

The only rule is that the list needs to fit on one page of paper. You check the list several times a day, asking yourself—does my current behavior match my goals? Sounded solid to me. I struggle with impulsive eating, yet wish I was thinner, so maybe this list making will fix me.

At the top of my paper, in bold letters, I scrawled: WHAT DO I REALLY WANT? Then I listed the following:

• To support my daughter as best I can, so she can live a happy and independent life.

• A calm and loving relationship with hot sex

• Sustained wealth

• A long-lasting brain

• Be thin and fit

• Write as many good books as possible

• Learn and grow wise

• Have someone else do all my unpleasant tasks

• Have close friends who make me laugh.

These are pretty obvious, non-specific goals and I’m sure lots of people have the same ones.

This got me thinking… What were my goals when I was younger? This list definitely feels “middle-aged” to me.

What Did You Want Before Now?

So, I dug up some old goal lists.

Teens:

• Publish my poetry (did it)

• Marry my high school boyfriend (no, and I was heartbroken at the time.)

• Own an art gallery in Hana, Hawaii (not yet)

• Be skinny (yep)

20s:

• Become a U.S. Diplomat (did it)

• Live in a massive house (yes)

• Spend my winters in East Africa and my summers in Paris (did not happen)

• Be skinny (not really)

• Travel to Nunavut and learn how to sing Katajjaq (nope)

• Travel Gandhi’s route through India (nope)

30s:

• Premier my own film at a top-tier film festival (Did it)

• Be skinny (briefly)

• Buy an apartment in Paris (nope)

• Publish my memoir (nope)

• Quit being an alcoholic (yep)

• Do a business with my brother (nope)

• Own this exact beach house (nope)

Why Do We Want What We Want?

As we age, I’d like to think our desires get less materialistic, but maybe that’s only because we’ve achieved some level of material comfort already.

These days, I try to analyze why I want something. Usually, the answer is not satisfactory enough for me to pursue whatever I’m considering.

Making this list at 40 also reminds me that most goals are transitory.

Desires can arise from the atmosphere, seemingly without origin, or from fantasy, envy, greed, shame, guilt, advertising, social or peer pressure, etc, then they occupy and obsess our minds for a time (or for eternity), and are accomplished, or they slip away like single socks at a laundromat.

Mostly, nothing we want is that important. (Though I still want to learn Katajjaq in Nunavut.)

Nothing I’m obsessed with right now will remain paramount.

No one thing brings that much happiness.

Purchases rarely offer more than fleeting moments of pleasure and the same for most accomplishments.

The disturbing, unreachable goal that lingers (for many women especially) is the desire to be skinny, and I wish it wasn’t on any of these lists. We all know where it comes from.

What would your list look like? Think of yourself through the decades of your life—do you remember past obsessions or goals that slowly faded away unaccomplished? Do you still long for them? What lingers? How have your goals changed as you’ve aged?